Bad Jokes
A man walks into a pub with a salmon under his arm.
He asks the barman, "Do you do fishcakes?"
The barman shakes his head.
"Shame", says the man, "It's his birthday".
met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I
thought, "That's Aboriginal."
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a
turtle disaster.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.. She said "Tenpin?"
I
said, "No, permanent."
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do
you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
Volkswagen with no driver.
I went to the local video shop and I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He
said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went
T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
hand."
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
I said "No,
just a watch."
My mate is in love with two schoolbags.
He's bisatchel.
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can't remember his name,
it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue.
I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went
on and on.
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for
the custard."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, "Are you having me on?"
I
said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside
my house?"
He said, "I'm not stopping you"
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I fancied a game of darts with my mate.
He said, "Nearest the bull goes
first"
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo"
He said "You're closest"
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been
promoted.
I was so shocked I swerved the car.
He phoned me again to say I'd
been promoted even higher and I swerved again.
He then made me managing
director and I went right off into a tree.
The police came and asked me what
had happened.
I said "I careered off the road"
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.
It's tiny: you couldn't swing a
cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires.
I was charged with shoplifting on two
counts.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or
Thursdays."
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